Heartless

My friends told me to move on. That I deserve someone worthy of me.

I tried. I tried not to make memories of us linger on my thoughts. God knows how hard I tried to let go.

At the back of my mind, though, I could not totally let go. I held on to the thought that we could get back together. That the memory of us could somehow rekindle what we once had.

I had a particular day in mind. Judgment Day I called it. That day would tell me if we still had one more stab at us.

The day arrived and I hoped and expected and waited but it was all for naught.

Every text message I received my heart would skip a bit thinking it was finally you. It wasn't.

I checked messages from all of my email addresses and YM account but none were from you.

I realized then that you are not coming back. Gone from my life. For good.

I realized too that it is finally time to totally let go and move on. There's no sense of holding on. You no longer care. I know that to be true. And it hurts. A bit.

For the first and final time, allow me to quote your last line -- "Salamat na lang sa lahat."

Goodbye, baby. I love you.

-----

To those who think I should not be the one doing the waiting think again.

I didn't want to make the first move since I have exhausted all possible means to bring her back without losing my soul. The ball, as they say, was in her hands and she chose to throw away the basket.

Scud's Random Thoughts: Part VII & Roland Garros Predictions

I'm going to start with an emo random thought. Pasensya na.

Today could have been a happy day. A milestone on the matters of the heart. Today would have been me and X's nth monthsary. A bit depressing. I wonder if X remembers what today signifies.

*****

Why are there no airport staffs at the exit of the NAIA Terminal 3 (or some domestic airports) that make sure the check-in luggage(s) a passenger is carrying out of the airport is actually his? One can actually take any luggage from the conveyor and walk out of the airport undetected.

*****

I watched Angels & Demons yesterday. I read the book many years back and could not remember exactly the plot. It was like watching a movie without any prior knowledge of the premise. It was a pretty good adaptation although a friend who watched it with me (and read the book a week before) said the filmmakers made quite a few changes. Still it was far better than The Da Vinci Code. I was entertained. Ewan McGregor rocks.

*****

The 2009 French Open starts today. Here are my predictions. I hope I get most of the quarterfinalists right. My predictions for this year's Australian Open were not good.

MEN
Quarterfinals:
Rafael Nadal vs Fernando Verdasco
Roger Federer vs Gael Monfils
Andy Murray vs Fernando Gonzalez
Novak Djokovic vs Juan Martin Del Potro


Semifinals:
Rafael Nadal vs Fernando Gonzalez
Roger Federer vs Novak Djokovic

Finals:
Rafael Nadal vs Novak Djokovic

Champion:
Rafael Nadal


WOMEN
Quarterfinals:

Dinara Safina vs Ana Ivanovic
Serena Williams vs Svetlana Kuznetsova
Venus Williams vs Nadia Petrova
Elena Dementieva vs Jelena Jankovic

Semifinals:
Dinara Safina vs Venus Williams
Elena Dementieva vs Svetlana Kuznetsova

Finals:
Dinara Safina vs Svetlana Kuznetsova

Champion:
Dinara Safina

Hiatus

I am no wuss. I confront problems and conflicts head on. I am not the type of guy who downs bottles of beer to escape from personal issues. I don't go partying or sleep around.

I am strong. Or so I thought. Until my recent heartbreak. I did what a wuss would do. I escaped.

To set the record straight, I didn't sleep around. Nor went partying. I did drink bottles of beers. Smoked a few cigarettes. I drew the line there. I didn't wail. I didn't smash things. I was cool on the outside but was actually a wreck.

What I did was I stopped blogging. Some of you may have noticed. I did not approve any of your comments. I didn't comment on my blogroll's recent posts. I distanced myself from the internet. I went on a self-imposed hiatus. And I didn't announce it.

It's been almost 2 weeks since. I didn't want to post more about what I'm going through. I didn't want my blog to be a diary of my current state of mind (emotions?) - mad, sad, disappointed, angry, melancholic.

But I'm back now. I will still write about my loss but not as often as to make you cringe and click that x button faster than one could say SCUD.

*****

Allow me to make updates. Be warned though. This is going to be a long post. My longest, I think.

To start with, I finally bid farewell to my company over a week ago. My last day was not as smooth-sailing and enjoyable as I would have wanted to. I almost butted heads with upper management. Not a great way to end my 2.5-year stay. The day ended in a great way though. I had dinner and a few drinks with a couple of my best buds from the office.

A day after I went to watch the Archuleta/Cook concert at the MOA Concert Grounds. Archuleta was good but Cook was freaking fantastic. He sang 'Always Be My Baby' and 'Come Back To Me' which made me a little bit wistful. Tagos hanggang buto ang lyrics. It was the best way to spend my last night in Manila.

A few hours later (and 3 hours of sleep later) I was at the airport ticket, backpack, and duffel bag in hand. I was, as I mentioned earlier, escaping.

I needed to get out of the city. I needed to recharge. I needed to be with people who would help me forget, even for a bit, her.

So I flew to DC. I spent a week there.

I hugged my 93-year-old lola who, as expected, was ecstatic to see me then immediately asked me for money. Haha. Si lola talaga.

I played with my niece.

I went to the beach.

I bonded with my bro, sister-in-law, cousins, aunts, uncles.

I went to visit my aunt's final resting place. Next week is her first death anniversary.

I sang my heart out during a night of karaoke and over 6 Red Horse Grandes. That was the first time I sang and got drunk with my folks.

I slept too. I slept for like 10 hours a day which is more or less the same amount of sleep spent for 3 days in Manila.

I completed reading Russell Banks' The Sweet Hereafter about a sleepy town in New York coming to terms from a terrible bus accident that claimed the lives of their children. A wonderfully written book. A must read. You guys should also watch the movie adaptation starring Sarah Polley and directed by Atom Egoyan. That is if you want to get depressed.

I watched Sex Drive. It was hilarious. The plot has been done countless times before. Lanky teen desperate to lose his virginity meets a hot chick on the internet, fakes his identity, steals his brother's hot car, and goes on a road trip with friends for an eyeball.

I finished my Season 2 marathon of The West Wing. I have seen all episodes of The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, The X Files, Lost, Friends and none of these can topple Aaron Sorkin's creation of a fictional Democrat president's stint in the White House on the top of my all-time favorite TV shows. It's extremely intelligent, funny, superbly acted and shot, and full of heart. The rapid-fire dialogue is nifty and reminds me of Mike de Leon's oeuvre. Never mind that there are times I don't get what Leo, CJ, Sam, Josh blabber on, the show still rocks.

I was also able to watch the final performance night and finale of American Idol. I haven't blogged about this show this season but I have made comments on other blogs. That I liked Gokey in the semis but shifted allegiance in the finals when I noticed his song choices was too blah. That I am not a fan of Lambert's screeching although his Mad World and The Tracks of My Tears are two of my personal favorite performances this season. That I was rooting for Kris Allen because he has amazing song choices (Kanye West's Heartless, Falling Slowly from the Once soundtrack to name a couple), cool arrangement, and nice jackets.

I thought the finale was great. From the top of my mind the most memorable were Allen and Keith Urban's duet, Gokey's Hello, Black Eyed Peas, bikini girl and Kara, Allison Iraheta and Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time, and Michael Sarver and that tattooed chick performing with Steve Martin.

Before I forget, Kris Allen won! I'm pretty good on choosing my bets - Underwood and Bice on S4, McPhee and Yamin on S5, Lewis on S6, David Cook on S7.

And yeah. While I was in DC she was on my thoughts . Every day. Morning. Noon. Night. In my dreams. In the middle of watching a movie.

I miss her terribly. And still mad. And saddened by the thought that we can never be together again.

*****

I'm now back in Manila. Plane landed a few hours ago. I'm blogging again. I approved comments. I backread posts from my blogroll. I made comments on their posts. I blog-hopped.

I'm catching up with my reading. Movies to watch. TV show marathons to complete. Hobbies that I put on hold when I met ex.

Now that she's gone. I'm back. With a vengeance.

Heartbreaker

When you want to get into a relationship, be sure that you are ready. Do not say you THINK you are ready because thinking is too academic. Cerebral. Heartless.

Do not make someone your guinea pig. They are not toys to be played with. They have hearts. They get hurt. They are humans.

Committing to someone is serious business. You do not say "I THINK I am ready". It is not a thought. I repeat. It is not a thought. It is a feeling. It is an emotion. It is a belief.

*****

When you want to get out of a relationship, don't do it virtually - may it be through SMS, email, IM, phone call. It reeks of cowardice.

Have the decency to break the news personally. It is the hardest thing to do but it is the right move. Explain your reasons. Answer their questions as honestly as you can. It can be brutal but breakups usually are.

Do not say that you want a cool off AND then say that they should not, for now, expect that you would return anytime soon. Those statements are contradicting.

When they ask you if cool off for you meant you're coming back or you're breaking up for good, do not say MAYBE YES, MAYBE NOT.

Do not sugarcoat.

Do not give an answer with gray areas. It must be in black and white. It must be a YES or a NO. Maybes are not welcome.

If you want a breakup then break it. If you want a cool off mention a timeframe. It may not be accurate but at least they can hold on to this small flicker of hope.

Do not leave them holding the short end of the stick. That's selfish.

Do not leave them with mouth agape. And questions begging to be answered swirling in their minds.

*****

You. Too bad the last thought you have of me was a pathetic, pride-swallowing, and pleading scud. What you don't know is I was mad. Less than a minute after you finally broke it off. I AM mad. Stark. Raving. Mad.

I am blinded by rage.
You did this to me.
I want the old scud back.
I miss the guy.
Where could he be hiding?

How to Mend a Broken Heart

"You simply move on.

You do not blame yourself for what happened because it takes two to dance ... and two to make a misstep.

You do not throw away your self-esteem because things like this happen to everyone.

And you make very definite resolutions to LEARN from this experience without regret or accusation ...

Hoping to be wiser but not harder, Stronger but not bitter.

Why?

Because you are simply growing."


And here 's another one.


"What is done should be done and over with. The most important part of moving on is to end habits, stop expectations and put a valve to opportunities that may lead to further hurt."


And another.


"STOP GETTING HURT ... by finding out that there is someone, something or even a whole big world that is much better and waiting for you."


*****

I did not write these. A friend did when I poured my heart out a couple of nights ago. The bits of advice helped a lot.

Another effective advice was this: When memories of her enter my head don't let them linger, let them pass through. Quickly.

That's why I'll finally start moving on. Today.

And NOT beat myself in the head thinking of the what ifs.

Everything happens for a reason.

The Break-Up

I was in love. I am still in love. Then this morning she broke the news that I've been dreading for the past month. Cool off daw muna kami.

I froze. I felt numb. Cold. I started to shiver. I felt like life, for a moment, was sucked out of me. I wanted to fight for us but she does not want to. I felt powerless.

I told her I had so much love to give but she does not want any of it. So I let her go.

I stayed true to my promise that if ever she wants out I won't beg for her to stay. I won't get mad. I won't curse which is totally out of character.

I wished her a good life and that she would meet someone who could give her the happiness she did not find in me.

I still feel like crap.

I got dumped.

Shattered

Yan ang status ng isang kaibigan sa YM. Tinanong ko siya kung ano ang kuwento sa likod ng YM status. Sabi niya masaya naman siya ngayon sa piling ng bf niya. Pero nung nalaman niya na ikakasal na si ex ay hindi na siya mapalagay. Shattered nga daw nararamdaman niya.

Ang sabi ko ganyan ata talaga pag nalaman mo na nakamove-on na si ex at masaya na sa kanyang buhay na wala ka sa eksena. Lalung-lalo na siguro pag ikakasal o ikinasal na siya dahil ito na marahil ang pinaka-proof sa kasiyahan niya.

Ang sabi ko pa "maybe at the back of your mind you want your ex to wallow in self-pity habang ikaw nagpapakasaya sa buhay mo". Natawa siya. May konting katotohanan naman daw ang sinabi ko.

Naalala ko tuloy ang isa pang kaibigan. Habang hinahatid ko siya sa kanyang apartment lulan ng isang taxi naikwento niya na nakita niya minsan pics ni ex sa isang social networking site. Hindi lang ordinaryong pics ang nakita niya. Wedding pics. Di daw siya mapakali. Nataranta pa nga at tinawagan ang isang kaibigan para ikwento ang nadiskubre.

Naisip ko ganyan ba talaga pag naunang ikasal o kinasal ang mga ex? Di ako maka-relate dahil sa pagkakaalam ko di pa kinakasal ang nag-iisa kong ex. At di ko na tinitingnan ang social networking account niya. Nakapag move-on na ako. At siya din. Naka-dalawa at tatlong SO ba naman after kami nag-break.

Naisip ko din. Pag nag-break ba ang mag-SO ay yun na ang simula ng paligsahan kung sino ang unang maka-getover? Sino ang unang makahanap ng kapalit? Sino ang unang ikasal? Sino ang unang magkaanak?

Ang buhay post-break-up ba ay isang paligsahan kung sino ang mas maligaya?

10 Things I Love About You

I love the way...

... you smile.

... you laugh.

... your hand fits mine.

... you pick on your food.

... you admonish me when I watch you eat.

... your term of endearment sound in my ear.

... you snuggle on my side when you sleep.

... you groggily smile at me when you wake up in the morning.

... you get embarassed when I watch you fix your hair.

... you first told me that you like what you see in me... everything.

Valentine’s Day As I Know It

I wrote this a few years ago a day before Valentine's day, salvaged from my now non-existent friendster blog. I was mad at the world then. Or rather, pissed (jealous?) of people who treat Feb 14 as if it was the only day in the calendar year to show their undying love. I tweaked this a bit to make it more enjoyable to read (fingers crossed).

February 13th (21st century)

A few hours ago while eating dinner in our office pantry I chanced upon an officemate attaching a card to a box of cake as a gift to her boyfriend. Bewildered, I asked what the occasion was. Instead of answering my question she berated me that that’s what happens to people who become cynical and forget all about Valentine’s Day. Or in her case, pre-Valentine's Day date. That made me pause & think, have I really become a cynic?

I always had this question in mind — What makes February 14 so special? Is it because it is the day to celebrate that one is so blissfully in love? Lucky are those who have significant others. But how about those who are single and available - by choice or otherwise? Is this the day then to think and mourn of failed relationships? Of failed courtships? Of unrequited loves? Of thinking you’ve reached that age when society starts to pressure you to settle down and start a family?

As for me I refuse to entertain such thoughts or be pressured to go out on a date and finally change my friendster status from single to "In a Relationship". I will treat V day as any other ordinary day. I will work the required 8 hours, go home, and watch American Idol on TV or The Last King of Scotland on DVD or read a chapter or two of Christopher Paolini’s Eldest.

While I do those things, I bet that couples are getting into a big fight and call it quits. Or a woman gets pregnant after an unsafe and less than spectacular sex. Or a wife catches her husband in the horizontal (or vertical?) sexual act and shoots him and his mistress with a machine gun.

I guess the reason I'm ranting is because Valentine's Day would always be associated with my first real and failed relationship. It was on the V day four years ago that we became us. Two mutual feelings shared for the first time on a cold and breezy February evening.

It was a night to remember. The thing she did that night was probably the sweetest thing a girl has ever done for me. It was a great feeling to feel so wanted.. and so loved. The relationship didn't last long. It was too fast. Too soon. It felt like we needed to get on the freight train lest we be left behind.

As I look back at those days I wished I did things differently. If I did, we might have lasted more than the months we were officially together. We would have built happy memories together. We would have worked hard to reach our dreams. And I probably won't be so bitter now. And cynical...

She

It was the 14th of february many years ago. You invited me for a barbecue dinner at your place. I had a few drinks and got slightly drunk. You offered me your couch and that was where I spent the night. I remember it was early morning when I awoke and saw you in your pajamas. You were sitted opposite where I slept. You had your knees up under your chin and arms wrapped around your legs. You told me you were watching me as I slept. I thought that was sweet and until now no one has ever topped that.

Soon after, you and me became us but that didn't last. Through the years while caught on traffic or in the middle of work I would suddenly remember you. That is exactly the reason why I'm writing this piece. Weird. I have thought about why we drifted apart or why you threw in the towel. I realize now that it was entirely my fault. I was too selfish. Opting to be by myself or immersing myslf in work than spendng time with you. I'm sorry for the pain I caused. I wasn't able to say that when we last talked.

If we have met now, at this very moment, the us would surely have treaded a different path. I entertained the idea of calling you soon after I left the company where we both worked but I chickend out. You're happy now. I know that. I don't want to disturb your seemingly blissful life. You deserve that after the pain I caused. And you're many miles away now. Living your dream. The dream we dreamed together.

I know we'll meet somewhere in some distant time and I hope that when that time comes, I will look at you without a tinge of regret or sadness. I would by then have made peace with myself and maybe, just maybe I would no longer be alone.

I Miss...

I miss having someone who would unexpectedly fix my collar when its in disarray .

I miss having someone who I could trade class rings with just for the heck of it.

I miss having someone beside me when I wake up in the morning.

I miss having someone fall asleep on my shoulder when stuck in traffic.

I miss having someone who would brighten up at the sight of me.

I miss having someone to go jogging with in the early hours of the morning.

I miss having someone to eat isaw with to cap a day's work.

I miss having someone to take care and being taken cared of.

I miss having someone and be someone's someone.

Lost Love

I met, by accident, my teammate from my previous company when I was buying lunch and we had a quick chat, catching up with what's going on with our lives. I learned a few months back from mutual friends that he broke up with another good friend of mine and married the girl from a previous relationship. Norm dictate that I ask him about his marriage. And I did. And learned that his marriage was a mistake. That he plans to work abroad to save up money for an annulment. That he still loves my friend. That my friend has, naturally, been avoiding him.

He's still pretty much the same guy I worked with for a year but I sense a sadness in his eyes, in his demeanor. I feel sad for him for he let the (right) one get away. I remember sending him an article written by Mark Macapagal of The Manila Times titled "The One That Got Away" and how blown away he was by how greatly written and true that piece was.

Too bad he let the girl of his (and my) dreams get away.

Getting Over

How do I get over you when ur my first thought when I wake up and my last thought when I hit the sack? When in the most unexpected moments you suddenly creep into my consciousness?

I should have known on the get go that it was not gonna last. That it was wishful thinking. A jab at the moon.

I wish I had not pushed it, I still might have had you in my life. Now, I wish I could completely erase you from my mind akin to what Joel Barish did in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I wish that you didn't come into the picture and disturbed my relatively peaceful existence. I wish I had not thought of that pickup line that made you sit up and make notice. And I wish you didn't tell me that differences make chemistry, that would have made a difference in me getting over you quicker and not obssessing of what could have been...