Ma T

Ma T,

It was exactly a year ago at around this time when we lost you. It was mama who broke the news to me a few minutes after you past away.

Last week I visited your final resting place and lit you candles. We miss you. I miss you. I miss your face at the airport when I arrive from Manila. I miss the way you would hold my face in your hands and give me a kiss.

I know that since a week ago you've been nearby. The dogs howl. My 4-year-old niece even saw you one time.

You must now have seen your youngest apo. You never got to see her. You died 6 months before she was born.

She’s a big girl. And she has your hair. And the shape at the back of you head.

I was the one who gave her her name. I named her after you. It's a beautiful name.

I hope you're happy now Ma T.

I wish I was able to say goodbye.

I love you.

C.

Hiatus

I am no wuss. I confront problems and conflicts head on. I am not the type of guy who downs bottles of beer to escape from personal issues. I don't go partying or sleep around.

I am strong. Or so I thought. Until my recent heartbreak. I did what a wuss would do. I escaped.

To set the record straight, I didn't sleep around. Nor went partying. I did drink bottles of beers. Smoked a few cigarettes. I drew the line there. I didn't wail. I didn't smash things. I was cool on the outside but was actually a wreck.

What I did was I stopped blogging. Some of you may have noticed. I did not approve any of your comments. I didn't comment on my blogroll's recent posts. I distanced myself from the internet. I went on a self-imposed hiatus. And I didn't announce it.

It's been almost 2 weeks since. I didn't want to post more about what I'm going through. I didn't want my blog to be a diary of my current state of mind (emotions?) - mad, sad, disappointed, angry, melancholic.

But I'm back now. I will still write about my loss but not as often as to make you cringe and click that x button faster than one could say SCUD.

*****

Allow me to make updates. Be warned though. This is going to be a long post. My longest, I think.

To start with, I finally bid farewell to my company over a week ago. My last day was not as smooth-sailing and enjoyable as I would have wanted to. I almost butted heads with upper management. Not a great way to end my 2.5-year stay. The day ended in a great way though. I had dinner and a few drinks with a couple of my best buds from the office.

A day after I went to watch the Archuleta/Cook concert at the MOA Concert Grounds. Archuleta was good but Cook was freaking fantastic. He sang 'Always Be My Baby' and 'Come Back To Me' which made me a little bit wistful. Tagos hanggang buto ang lyrics. It was the best way to spend my last night in Manila.

A few hours later (and 3 hours of sleep later) I was at the airport ticket, backpack, and duffel bag in hand. I was, as I mentioned earlier, escaping.

I needed to get out of the city. I needed to recharge. I needed to be with people who would help me forget, even for a bit, her.

So I flew to DC. I spent a week there.

I hugged my 93-year-old lola who, as expected, was ecstatic to see me then immediately asked me for money. Haha. Si lola talaga.

I played with my niece.

I went to the beach.

I bonded with my bro, sister-in-law, cousins, aunts, uncles.

I went to visit my aunt's final resting place. Next week is her first death anniversary.

I sang my heart out during a night of karaoke and over 6 Red Horse Grandes. That was the first time I sang and got drunk with my folks.

I slept too. I slept for like 10 hours a day which is more or less the same amount of sleep spent for 3 days in Manila.

I completed reading Russell Banks' The Sweet Hereafter about a sleepy town in New York coming to terms from a terrible bus accident that claimed the lives of their children. A wonderfully written book. A must read. You guys should also watch the movie adaptation starring Sarah Polley and directed by Atom Egoyan. That is if you want to get depressed.

I watched Sex Drive. It was hilarious. The plot has been done countless times before. Lanky teen desperate to lose his virginity meets a hot chick on the internet, fakes his identity, steals his brother's hot car, and goes on a road trip with friends for an eyeball.

I finished my Season 2 marathon of The West Wing. I have seen all episodes of The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, The X Files, Lost, Friends and none of these can topple Aaron Sorkin's creation of a fictional Democrat president's stint in the White House on the top of my all-time favorite TV shows. It's extremely intelligent, funny, superbly acted and shot, and full of heart. The rapid-fire dialogue is nifty and reminds me of Mike de Leon's oeuvre. Never mind that there are times I don't get what Leo, CJ, Sam, Josh blabber on, the show still rocks.

I was also able to watch the final performance night and finale of American Idol. I haven't blogged about this show this season but I have made comments on other blogs. That I liked Gokey in the semis but shifted allegiance in the finals when I noticed his song choices was too blah. That I am not a fan of Lambert's screeching although his Mad World and The Tracks of My Tears are two of my personal favorite performances this season. That I was rooting for Kris Allen because he has amazing song choices (Kanye West's Heartless, Falling Slowly from the Once soundtrack to name a couple), cool arrangement, and nice jackets.

I thought the finale was great. From the top of my mind the most memorable were Allen and Keith Urban's duet, Gokey's Hello, Black Eyed Peas, bikini girl and Kara, Allison Iraheta and Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time, and Michael Sarver and that tattooed chick performing with Steve Martin.

Before I forget, Kris Allen won! I'm pretty good on choosing my bets - Underwood and Bice on S4, McPhee and Yamin on S5, Lewis on S6, David Cook on S7.

And yeah. While I was in DC she was on my thoughts . Every day. Morning. Noon. Night. In my dreams. In the middle of watching a movie.

I miss her terribly. And still mad. And saddened by the thought that we can never be together again.

*****

I'm now back in Manila. Plane landed a few hours ago. I'm blogging again. I approved comments. I backread posts from my blogroll. I made comments on their posts. I blog-hopped.

I'm catching up with my reading. Movies to watch. TV show marathons to complete. Hobbies that I put on hold when I met ex.

Now that she's gone. I'm back. With a vengeance.

The Way They Were

Every summer my father, his siblings, and my cousins would bring us kids to the mountains where they grew up. I always looked forward to this event every summer. The terrain was rugged then and it was a hoot hear my aunts call out to Jesus whenever the jeepney we rented would tilt.

We always stayed at my lola's sibling's place. There was always a feast. And liters of coconut juice. And storytelling which was always the best part.

The last time I went to the mountains was a decade ago as a teenager. I remember it was raining then and so it was yesterday when we went.

I have posted below some pics that I took.

We passed this boy in a carabao on our way to my lola's place.

He was around seven years old and completely drenched.

The trees in the center right was where my lola's house used to stand. This was where papa grew up, his siblings, and most of my cousins. They tore down the house, in the early 80s (they had since tried their luck in the city), for fear that NPAs would make it their headquarters.

That's my niece having a leisurely walk in the mountains.


Traversing this path to my lola's place is tricky and slippery.

This tree is around 40 years old. My father says my aunt planted this tree. He remembers this because my aunt got a good spanking from lola when she lost the trowel.

I'll upload other pictures that I took in the next few weeks (not days!).

Happy weekend everyone!

Scud's Random Thoughts: Part IV

Five days. That's the number of days I've been home. And each of those days I've seen my four-year-old niece dance to the tune of Bratney Spears' manizer (her term not mine). She's a riot. I even took a video of her gyrating in my bed and in our porch using my lola's walker as props. Kids.

*****

I went to my high school friend's wedding - the main reason why I took an early Christmas break. I haven't seen her more beautiful or happier than she was that day. She was beaming. I brought my camera with me and took lots of pictures. I was surprised that some of the pics turned out well. My friends were impressed. I'm actually getting better with this. Hehe.

*****

At the reception, I was surprised to see my yaya from my grade school and high school days. She didn't change a bit. We talked for awhile, asked how each other was doing, and parted ways. What a small world.

*****

I finally finished Haruki Murikami's Norwegian Wood. The book is written in the first person and it is a great read. There's some heavy stuff, lots of (casual) sex, and humor. Read this.

The Family Stone

A few months back I blogged about the operations my father and younger brother had, only a month apart, to remove their gall bladders. My doctor friend told me that the ability to produce (gall) stones could be hereditary. I wasn't surprised. An aunt had the same operation and my grandfather, they suspect, died from the same ailment.

Since it was obviously a family thing I wasn't going to give it to chance. I resolved to go visit the doctor and have my gall bladder checked. It took me a few weeks before I actually made the effort. And to think that my HMO's fully-equipped clinic is only a couple of blocks away from where I work!

So early yesterday afternoon I finally had the ultrasound which was a funny experience. The first thing was that after bringing me to the room where I was going to be examined the attending nurse told me to lay down on the bed, unbuckle my belt, unzip my pants, and lower it a little. I thought I was in a porn movie. Haha.

The second was the ultrasound process which actually took just a few minutes but felt like it lasted for more than that. I'm not too comfortable having my abdomen touched so when the doctor started massaging my one-pack it took all of my willpower not to burst out laughing.

I also got the lab result and given a clean bill of health. Wohoo! The doctor cautioned me though to refrain from eating fatty and oily food. In short I should start eating healthy. I will definitely be sporting hard-rock abs in no time.

Here is a summary of the findings in case some of my handful of readers is in the medical profession. :-)

"The liver is not enlarged. The visualized surfaces are smooth in outline. Parenchyma shows mild increase in echogenicity. No focal masses noted.

The gallbladder is normal in size and configuration. Its walls are not thickened. There are multiple non-mobile echoes in the lumen, at least ten in number, and meaduring 4 to 7 mm. in size. The common duct and intrahepatic ducts are nor dilated.

The pancreas and spleen are normal in size and homegenous in echopattern."

For Love Or Money

I had a chat with a good friend from college yesterday and we got to talk about sharing what we have with our respective families. We talked about giving a part of our monthly income without being asked. We agreed that we wouldn't feel complete and satisfied if we don't share what we have with them. Naghirap din naman sila to send us to school. We talked about havng litle savings and even though it saddens us to see such a measly amount on our bank accounts afetr years of hard work at least we could sleep at night contented and at peace with ourselves.

Another childhood friend, during our annual text marathon, told me that I probably have lots of zeros on my account. I enumerated to this friend of mine where my salary was going. My friend told me that I am a good son and that the Lord will reward me a hundredfold someday. Sometimes when I think about my predicament I remember my friend said and tell myself "Kelan kaya darating ang biyaya na sinasabi nya". Tao lang ako. Nagtatanong. But then I remember. I never expected or demanded anything in return. I don't count how much money I have given or how many gadgets I have given up of owning. I don't really give a damn. It's just money. Mas importante nakakatulong ako sa kanila sa abot ng aking makakaya.

You know what, the best feeling is when my parents, my brother, my niece, my cousins call or text me and say their thank yous. Or when they would all gather in the airport to fetch me I fly home for a visit. They don't do that to my other relatives. Nothing can top that. Not even all the IPhones or IMacs or Nikon D90s in the world.

A Cursed 2008

I wrote in August about how my 2008 has been a sad and frustrating year. My aunt died, my brother got hospitalized, and my father had his gall bladder removed.

They say that when you're down there is no other way but to go up. I think that's not going to happen anytime soon.

First, my brother is now in the hospital to remove stones from his gall bladder (it is a family curse!).

Second, just a few days ago my 94-year-old grandmother slipped and landed on her butt. She can sit and stand on her own but have not tried walking yet. Masakit pa raw. I hope her xray results this week will turn out ok. Fingers-crossed.

Third, I'm incompetent in my job. I commit blunders. I'm not technical enough. I'm berating myself here but you get the drift. That doesn't bode well to my annual performance review in december particularly the promotion that I'm craving for.

Fourth, the mirror in my room fell and cracked. Dammit! Does that mean I'm cursed for the next seven years. Seriously?

In A Week's Time

In a week's time I'll be living alone - again - in a three-bedroom apartment. My cousins, who I co-habitate with, has gone back to our hometown. The apartment would be eerily quite and pitch dark when I arrive from work.

In a week's time I won't be waking up with my nephew's high-pitched giggle or shrill voice when calling "Papaaaaa".

In a week's time I won't be doing baby-talk with my one-year-old nephew.

In a week's time I won't be informing anyone where I'd be going when I go out.

In a week's time I would have to clean the living room and the toilet which is a drastic change since I don't even clean my room. My 15-year-old cousin used to describe my room back in my hometown as "dinaanan ng bagyo".

In a week's time I pretty much can do anything in the apartment like going commando.

In a week's time I pretty much can do anything in the apartment like invite friends for a drinking binge.

In a week's time I pretty much can do anything in the apartment like turn up the tv's volume with fear of reprimand

In a week's time I pretty much can do anything in the apartment like watch movies on my computer using the speakers and not a headset.

Freedom - it always come with a price.

Musings in the Dark

I was going through my saved messages in my cellphone when I chanced upon a couple of messages when I was pretty down a couple of weeks back. You see, when I get really depressed or get stuck in traffic or have a sudden burst of inspiration I "write" on my cellphone like mad lest the thoughts go away and I will no longer be able to conjure it back.

So here they are. A warning though. These thoughts are a little bit dramatic, even for my taste, so bear with me or close this window. asap.

August 8, 2008
10:15:59 PM
My life is in shambles. There are not enough challenging tasks at work which was precisely the reason why I resigned my previous company. An officemate, whose workstation is right beside me, has an attitude problem and acts like a nincompoop at times. My father will undergo surgery in a week to removes tones from his gall bladder. My mother forgets or simply ignores my simplest instructions. Most of the people I know have successful careers, gotten married, built a family, visited countries and places I only saw in movies or read in books/magazines. Me? Still stuck in the islands. Broke. Broken. Alone.

August 8, 2008
10:25:18 PM
Rage. I feel the anger slowly building inside me, slowly findings its way out. I feel I'm losing control and I'll just snap. This is not a phase. This has gone way too long. Why has fate brought me to this? Is there, as they, say a light at the end of the tunnel? From where I'm at now, I only see a glimmer of light in the horizon and when I slowly walk towards the beacon it seemingly goes farther away, out of my reach.

A Year of Pain and Surprises

When I left for Manila in January of this year to go back to the fast-paced and hectic life I've been living even since I graduated from college in 2002, I kissed my aunt goodbye. She hugged me and asked when I was coming back. I said I'll be back in June for my niece's 4th birthday. Four months later I returned home one month earlier than planned to attend to my aunt's wake and funeral. She died because of complications from diabetes. Barely three months after her death I still feel teary-eyed when I thought of her, of knowing that in death she wasn't able to live a comfortable life that I so hoped for her.

Three weeks after her funeral, I flew home again. This time it was for my brother's wedding. I remember my flight got cancelled twice because of the typhoon Frank and I was only able to fly hoome 2 days after my original schedule. My parents and my niece came to fetch me. Then came the bad news. My brother was in the hospital because of severe stomach pains. We learned later on that it was due to gall stones and could be removed through medicines. He was discharged from the hospital two days later. The wedding pushed through.

It's now the middle of August. Two weeks ago my father complained of severe stomach pains. Laboratory tests revealed that he too have stones in his gall bladder. Yesterday, he had a three-hour operation to have the stones removed. The surgeon who operated on him had to remove his gall bladder. My mother and my brother, through calls and text messages, assured me that my father is well now. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

An hour ago my mother texted me that my father's hmo will foot only a third of the amount that they promised they would cover. It came as a shock since we only had a specific cash in hand for his operation assured that half of the bill would covered by his hmo. A day after his surgery, his bill is hovering in the 6-digit amount. Wtf! If I was in my hometown, I would have stormed the hmo office and demanded an explanation. Incompetent people.

COmbining my resources and my mother's we think we now have the money that would foot all of my father's hospital bills. My family is now officially broke but then again pera lang naman yan.

These events in my 2008 has led me to conclude that we are a gall bladder-less and appendix-less family, particularly on my father's side. My father, aunt (papa's sister) and a second cousin (daughter of papa's first cousin) had their gall bladders removed. Me and 2 other cousins had appendicitis. My paternal grandfather, who died in the 60s, was said to have died due to a ruptured appendics.

I now plan to have myself checked of any stones forming in my organs. I don't want to be the next victim of the family curse if I could call it that.

I also say we should be in some medical journal. Any takers?

In Love, In Sadness

Beyond the door

There's peace I'm sure.

And I know there'll be no more...

Tears in heaven

- Eric Clapton, Tears in Heaven

One of my childhood memories was you treating me to a painit which is typically puto dipped in hot, sticky tsokolate. I had the habit then of squatting on the bench we sat and you’d get amused. You would treat me for pizza whenever you would get a loan from the credit union. Or bring me linuyang or linusak whenever you got back from a trip to the wet market.

You were my ninang and even as a child I knew you were hard-pressed on money. Your husband drove our family tricycle or painted houses on the side and you would sell banana cue and orange juice near the school where I studied. I didn't expect a gift from you but one Christmas Eve you secretly handed me a hundred-peso bill. As I reminisce about that day I realize that maybe giving me that money entailed a few sacrifices on your part. I will be forever grateful.

But then you got sick. I was 11 or 12 then. We thought we were going to lose you. I remember I didn't go visit you even though your house was just right beside ours. I wanted to remember you as the lively and healthy aunt who loved to eat and treat her pamangkins. You survived that sickness but they had to take away all of your breasts. You were never the same after that. The hefty weight was gone. You stopped your small business and with it the free treats. I didn't complain. I was just glad you were alive.

Then you got diabetes. Last Saturday your left leg was amputated. I thought maybe that would aid in your recovery but I was wrong. We lost you two days after the amputation. They said it was cardiac arrest. Was it triggered because you could no longer endure the pain? Or was it because your two eldest children didn't come visit you when you got hospitalized thrice in a span of four months?

Back in January when I left for the airport, I kissed and hugged you goodbye. I remember someone asking when I was coming back to visit. I said in late June to attend to my niece's 4th birthday. Now I will be coming home earlier than promised. But you would no longer be there to welcome me at the airport. I'm going to miss that.

Your death saddens me but it also gives me comfort that you at last is free of the excruciating pain you may have endured these past few months. You have moved on to the next life and I do hope that that life would be much better than the life you had lived. God knows how much you suffered.

And please don’t worry about Rachelle. We will take care of her. I will take care of her. I promise you that. I’m proud of her Mama Tit. While her siblings went on out-of-the-country trips or went out on dates, she stayed by your side until your death. She tended your wounds and ensured that you took your medicine at the right time. She often would break down in sobs whenever money ran out to buy for your meds. All these at the age of 20.

Tomorrow, I will be flying home to attend to your wake and funeral. I will be coming home to say goodbye for the last time. We will miss you, Mama Tit. I love you. I never had the chance to say that. Rest in peace now.

Remote Control

My remote control got lost. The day before, which was a Tuesday, I had it in my hands casually flipping through the channels at 8am in the morning drinking my tumbler of fresh milk and hotdog on-a-fork. That’s my new daily routine. I used to drink a tumbler of hot mix of Milo and milk with 2 pieces of bread and (peanut) butter. I changed it but I digress.

More than 24 hours later, after a brutal day at the office I flopped on the living room couch, clipped my headset to the tv so as not to wake up my housemate who was fast asleep and looked for the remote. It wasn’t on the couch where it is usually left by its last user. I looked underneath the couch, the tv cabinet drawers, and the shoe rack. Heck, I even looked at the refrigerators and the garbage can. But it was gone. Caput. An electronic device that has been to three households excluding the time when I brought it with me to my hometown which is approximately an hour away by plane is nowhere to be found!

The next day, I casually asked my housemates where the remote control was. Guess what? They let a one-year-old kid play with the damn thing. He was holding it one minute and the next thing it was gone. They looked everywhere and even sifted through the garbage but it wasn’t there. Now, I’ve read hundreds of books and even more hundreds of movies but I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand how a one-year-old kid could make an object disappear. This is not Privet Drive. This is not even make-believe! This is real-life!

I mentioned this to a friend and he told me why not buy a universal remote. Because that remote control felt good in my hands. And it’s gone. If I want to channel surf now, I had to like drag the couch near the tv, strategically put my feet near the channel button and let my toes do the surfing. Pathetic.

The loss of my remote got me thinking that maybe one of the reasons why I am so pissed is because I’m losing control over my own life. I’d be turning 28 in two-months time and I feel like I am a disappointment – to my family, my friends, my leads, my teammates.

A little more than a decade ago, after placing third on my graduating class I felt like my good luck wasn’t going to end. That the success I had in high school would carry its way throughout college and the rest of my adult life. I was wrong. I didn’t graduate cum laude (my GPA was 0.02 shy of clinching the title) and almost failed the licensure examination because I got stricken by the flu. I keep botching my job which I initially thought was the perfect work for me and I still think it is.

I thought then that by now I will be the one giving the orders and not the taking the orders. I thought then that by now I can be a good provider to my family and not a so-so provider. I thought then that by now I would have my own place and not cohabiting with blood relations. I thought then that by now I could by the electronic gadget that I want at will and not tormenting myself to buy or not to buy an IPod lest I go overbudget. I thought then that by now at night I would have warm body to hug and not throngs of pillow by my side. I thought then that by now I would be mirthlessly happy and not pouring out my unhappiness to a keyboard.

My life now might be a disappointment to some but it is to me. I place myself on a pretty high pedestal and I have myself to blame for it. I weighed myself but found wanting. Maybe if I buy myself a universal remote control, as my friend advised, I’d be able to gain a few pounds to my weight.